Tuesday 22 September 2015

What they don't tell you...



Yay, I’m moving to a new country - I get to LIVE that country’s REAL culture, lifestyle and experiences, not to mention all of the nearby countries providing endless travel opportunities for weekends and holidays. Then there is the excitement of exploring the new country, trying to learn the language. It’s like a holiday but it’s your life! A “wanderlusting” girl’s dream come true… or is it?
Don’t get me wrong, all of those things are incredible, and oh how I am blessed to live such a life of adventure and to have so many unique experiences – and to be honest I wouldn’t have it any other way… at least not for a few years (or maybe ever?!!) Even simple things like going to the supermarket or trying to order food when everything is in a language you don’t speak can be so exciting – remember the good old lucky dips as a kid? It’s like that but with everything!!! BEST EVER!

What you don’t see behind the whirlwind of glamorous and incredible photo memories and social media posts is the full picture…

It is sometimes hard. It is confusing. Then there are the other times where it makes you so angry you feel like you want to stab someone in the eye… or shake them and their infuriating system so hard it breaks, so you can build a new ‘normal’ one. One like you’re used to… Of course the idiosyncrasies of said systems and cultural norms that drive you crazy are one of the things you hold so dearly when you ponder why you love the country so much or what makes it such an exciting or fun adventure. All you can really do is strap yourself in for the ride, convince yourself that it is in fact hilarious and laugh like a mad woman so you don’t turn into the mad shopping bag lady you remember always wandering around Hobart…

Another thing everyone forgot to tell you, is that being an expat can be oh so lonely.... Remember all of those special people in your life? Yes, they’re still a part of your life but it’s different... You’re not there to celebrate the smaller milestones with them; sometimes you even miss the big milestones. You’re not there to spend holidays with family. You know that friends or family are going through things you want to be there for them and to give them a real hug. Everyone keeps living their lives, things are changing and you’re not around. It’s hard to feel like a special part of someone’s life when you’re simply not there – you feel left out. Not because you aren’t loved or valued but because you’re just NOT there! 

And let’s give Facebook, emails and Instagram a big HOORAY (especially after so many months without proper access to it in China)! It’s great, however sometimes I feel like people might be jealous or sick of seeing all of my adventure posts… and whilst I’m loving my adventures and so grateful for them, don’t forget that although I am enormously happy for you – I can sometimes be jealous of your posts – sad to not be there with you,  not to be in my native country and enjoying all of the wonderful things it has to offer, being in my familiar old job, seeing childhood friends, grocery shopping with the luxury of buying nearly anything I want, and being with people who “get me” and just know me without me having to explain a single thing to them. So yes - I’m lovingly jealous of each and every one of you. But thank you Facebook – because despite feeling lovingly jealous I LOVE being able to see how everyone is doing in their lives. There is that feeling, however, that I’m always left with, the one where I feel that I am not able to connect fully with them through Facebook. It feels like we’re in touch as we view each other regularly online and get enough information to know the gist of where our lives are at, but it is only the true friends that you know what’s going on behind the scenes. I think it makes people forget how different it is to truly connect with a person, even through Skype, or via phone. To hear someone’s voice from the other side of the world can mean the world to you when you feel all alone in a foreign country. 

Then there is the making of friends. It is SO hard to meet new people when you’re living in a new foreign city – even more so if you don’t speak the language.  You’re not hanging out in hostels like when you’re travelling, meeting locals or fellow travellers… you’re in this weird hybrid of an expat community vs local life. For me, it’s not that I think I’m better than expats (I am an expat after all..) but I love to experience all a country has to offer and that for me is really living as much like a local as I can, making friends with locals, eating like a local, partying like a local and trying to learn their language (yes I failed a bit at this language part in China – I’m sorry but I still don’t know which tone is horse and which one is mother when I say Ma.. Thank goodness Romanian is easier!). The fact of the matter is, I don’t want to go to an Irish pub in China, I want to go to KTV like the locals do, drink hawthorn juice and chew on sunflower seeds. This desire needs to be balanced with wanting to find that sense of community or some way to feel like you really fit in… and to have people “get you”... and the reality is that isn’t always possible with some cultural barriers. 

One quote that really resonated with me after a night out in a big group of people was this:

“People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.” (Kim Cuberison). 

It’s not that everyone wasn’t lovely and they truly were, but I get bored with small talk… and there is only so much to say – I want to know the real person behind the small talk. No-one “got me” and I just didn’t have that click with anyone that night.  I’m not talking about that awesome familiarity with a lifelong friend where no matter how long it’s been, it’s always the same; I’m talking about when you meet someone and you go – “I like you human” and it’s as if you’ve known them forever. The other thing is there are people you click with but they live here already and already have a life so fitting in with it isn’t always easy either…. especially when you have endless free time and it seems like forever in between social events!

Despite the culture shock and the loneliness that comes before you’ve a chance to build a life, you can be grateful for this: you have all the time you’ve ever wanted (and even the time you don’t want) with yourself. You’ll bare your weaknesses to yourself, layer by layer , you can’t hide behind anything. You’ll also uncover your strengths and learn to show kindness and love to yourself through both the weaknesses and the strengths you hold.